One of the challenges with written communication is remembering who your audience is, and what they’re likely to experience when they read your words.
This is even harder in a business situation because for most jobs, you’re told to leave your emotions at the door, which makes empathy challenging.
But as Jerry Colonna pointed out in a recent On Being podcast, leaving behind the “messy parts of ourselves” has a negative impact. “The result is that our organizations are actually less productive, less imaginative; not just poor workplaces for individuals to be, but poor places for collaboration … and spontaneity and laughter and humor.” <https://onbeing.org/programs/jerry-colonna-can-you-really-bring-your-whole-self-to-work/>
Plus, even if you try to shut those emotions out, it doesn’t usually work. More often, you end up being influenced by how you’re feeling without being aware of what’s driving you. You also have a harder time understanding why people you work with act a certain way.
If you’re looking for ways to better connect with the people you’re writing to and work with, here are 5 tips to get you started.
Tip 1: Don’t pretend everyone is emotionless
While it can sometimes be tempting to think about not having emotions, it’s not a real option. You can suppress or deny them, but it doesn’t make them go away.
Similarly, you may want other people you work with to always behave in a rational manner and only make decisions based on logic.
But if that’s your hope, you’ll be disappointed. If anything, the opposite is true. People are more likely to act and decide based on emotion, and then use logic to rationalize it.
Instead of ignoring that fact, it’s better to recognize it so you can understand what’s driving the people around you – and what’s driving you.
Tip 2: Recognize the impact of your own emotions
That brings me to the second tip: understanding how your own feelings are impacting you.
Colonna talked about this in the podcast, about how just three motivations influence so much of what we do: “the wishes for love, safety, and belonging.”
He went on to add: “When we are in a conflictual situation, say at work, and it may be an internal conflict, …if we can inquire and say, ‘What need might I be trying to meet by… my continual wish to get more and more sales? Is it love, safety, belonging, or all of the above?’ for example — that’s one way of understanding the intention behind our actions.”
This is a far cry from how most of us are taught to think in a business setting. But it makes a lot of sense.
In fact, the desire for safety might be a significant factor in sustainability work.
With climate change and other environmental concerns looming as a crisis, we see more and more evidence of how things that used to be safe aren’t anymore – our air, our water, the very livability of our planet. That can be a powerful driving force.
Tip 3: Write mindfully
A while ago I heard an idea about writing mindful emails, and I liked it a lot. Even better, it can apply to any kind of written communication.
Too often, people respond to emails in haste, or dash off a text, social media post, or even a newsletter without pausing to think about how it comes across. But the pause is key.
Before you actually post or send the communication, stop and take a breath. Then try to imagine yourself as the person receiving the communication, say an email. Read the email through again and try to feel how the other person would feel upon reading it.
This is a great way to help you see where you might come across as abrupt, confusing, or even hostile, likely without intending it. If you notice that, take time to reword it until it feels right.
Tip 4: Don’t assume what a lack of response means
Have you ever sent an email or text to someone, or maybe left them a voicemail, and they didn’t respond?
It’s not a comfortable place to be, and it’s very easy to take personally. You might assume that the other person is mad at you, or doesn’t like you.
Much of the time, though, the lack of response doesn’t have anything to do with you. It could be that the person is incredibly busy. They might be ill. Or perhaps they’ve just suffered a loss.
Until you have any actual evidence that the receiver has something against you, don’t assume that they do. Give them – and yourself – the benefit of the doubt.
This is especially true when sending a follow-up communication. It’s best not to sound accusatory or nagging. Simply let the other person know that you’re checking in and, if appropriate, that you hope everything is okay.
Tip 5: Start with an observation
On a similar note, the last tip is to use an approach Colonna talked about called OFNR. In this approach, O = Observation; F = Feeling; N = Need; and R = Request.
The idea is to start by stating a factual observation about someone’s behavior, and only then how it made you feel, instead of jumping right into the feeling.
For example, if someone is late for a meeting, don’t start by saying, “You don’t value my time.” First state the fact, then the feeling, such as, “You’re usually 5-10 minutes late for my meetings, and it makes me feel like you don’t value my time.”
Then you stop. Let the other person fully grasp how their action impacted you.
After that, you can specify your need for feeling like your meetings are valuable, and make a request of the other person, perhaps for them to let you know if they’ll be late.
Remembering we’re all human
Keeping these emotions in mind isn’t easy to do, but it’s important.
Without it, as Colonna notes: “…Corporations, businesses, have a well-earned reputation for inflicting a kind of suffering on our communities and our planet; and I think that a lot of that stems from the fact that the leaders in those corporations don’t know what to do with their suffering, and so they inflict it on others. And so we see a kind of callowness, a kind of inhumanity, constantly perpetuated.”
Instead of continuing that sort of inhumanity, we would all benefit from remembering that those on the other side of the screen, phone, paper, or desk are as human as us. And that all of us are impacted by our emotions.
For example, two of my work colleagues recently lost their fathers, and another lost his brother-in-law. Instead of trying to pretend that nothing had happened, the rest of us gave sympathy cards, and sometimes in-person hugs.
This didn’t stop us from doing our jobs, but it did make us a little more generous and patient with those who’d suffered a loss.
If we can all remember that common humanity, and act accordingly, we can move towards better work, and a better environment all around.
Have you had any experiences where not allowing the messy emotions at work has backfired, or where showing them has helped? If so, I’d be interested to read your comments about it.